Thinking about how crazy and scary it is to be a mother and how much life has changed. Little d is 5 months old today. He is no longer the eat/sleep/poop machine that he was. Yes, he still does those things, but in between there are spaces of smiling, laughing, rolling over and peeking his head around like a little periscope.
I logged on to Fertility Friend today and was looking over all those cycles (two years ago now!) when I was trying to get pregnant. The two miserable miscarriages. Then little d. He is a miracle and yet I don't want to think of him that way. I want him to be a normal little baby whose mother got pregnant easily and never worried. Whose mother doesn't still worry on a daily basis that maybe those miscarriages were warnings that she shouldn't reproduce and something horrible will be wrong with him. Just in the other room he sleeps, perfectly normal and happy, legs crossed at the ankles like he likes to be these days.
What I mostly wanted to start this out with is that I'm amazed on a daily basis at how powerful my love is for him. How much I love S, too. How crazy life is and how good it is. I am happy for all that I have and yet wish that I could just sit back, relax, and appreciate it all without worry.